On future plans, sadness and exsistence

I’ve always said I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up because I was insecure of my own ability to live up to my own expectation of my aspirations. The more I learned about myself, the more I had to unlearn and in this process of self-critical learning and unlearning, a free spirited mind was trapped into the claustrophobic mind of a timid person.

When you’re only a few months short of turning 18, you believe that life is a lucid dream, a conflicting illusion of what is and what will be, countless time I’ve misunderstood and misinterpreted my so called “calling” in life which brings me to a fundamental question, Is there a purpose?

I want to do everything and that’s where I get caught up, my words don’t form in a comprehensible manner. I dumb it down and over-complicate the simplicity of being. I hate it when I see oblivious, ignorant people because they look so happy with their one-dimensional approach to life but there is something that is so poetic about sadness that people keep dwindling in it and romanticize it maybe because sadness is the only emotional that is truly universal and most often, self-inflicted. You can mask it, deny it and run away from it but it is embedded in each and everyone one of us waiting to be triggered.

A lot of times, I am vain. I believe in “look good, feel good” and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it even though it’s somehow always attached negatively to a person. You need to bathe, shave, clothe yourself because all there is left outside of it is madness and suicide.

I still get asked a lot, on future plans and college and I still haven’t figured it out and the reason is still the same which makes me realize I have been having the same battle with my self for 10 years now and that scares me because as a Sagittarius I’m constantly drawn to moving forward and leaving things behind but maybe my issues of yesterday packed itself in a suitcase and travels with me everywhere that it just added emotional baggage. Currently, I’m moving at a never ending-crawl hoping I wouldn’t be frozen in time with no sense of direction. I keep saying that whatever is happening will not matter when I’m 38 with wrinkles and ungrateful children but who the fuck knows what will matter and won’t at 38, hell who knows I’ll even make to 38, my friend’s sister didn’t not even make it to her college graduation and when I know that life is short, why do I still keep making long term plans?

As an only child, I was used to attention, I need it at times to remind myself that I’m losing track of my path, I have always needed attention because there is no greater desire of the human heart than to be fundamentally understood. Coming back to the question on my future, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know if I’m fit for cooperate or exquisitive enough to work in a creative environment. All I know I never want to be that old person that gets annoyed with loud music, bad food and the news. I want to be that person that is kind to everyone, who doesn’t abandon books half way and still believes that life is a lucid dream at 38, even if I’m in the worst condition. I don’t want ever want to feel the weight of the day when my face touches the pillow at nightfall instead always search for the silver lining.

I swear, I’m not just saying this because I re-read Marakumi and feel pretentious. All of this is arising out of a burning desired to be understood, challenged and from a deprivation of an intellectual conversation, questions and a ton of questions that I either already the know the answers of or I do not wish to know the answers. It’s not a phase, trust me. It’a way of existence.