On future plans, sadness and exsistence

I’ve always said I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up because I was insecure of my own ability to live up to my own expectation of my aspirations. The more I learned about myself, the more I had to unlearn and in this process of self-critical learning and unlearning, a free spirited mind was trapped into the claustrophobic mind of a timid person.

When you’re only a few months short of turning 18, you believe that life is a lucid dream, a conflicting illusion of what is and what will be, countless time I’ve misunderstood and misinterpreted my so called “calling” in life which brings me to a fundamental question, Is there a purpose?

I want to do everything and that’s where I get caught up, my words don’t form in a comprehensible manner. I dumb it down and over-complicate the simplicity of being. I hate it when I see oblivious, ignorant people because they look so happy with their one-dimensional approach to life but there is something that is so poetic about sadness that people keep dwindling in it and romanticize it maybe because sadness is the only emotional that is truly universal and most often, self-inflicted. You can mask it, deny it and run away from it but it is embedded in each and everyone one of us waiting to be triggered.

A lot of times, I am vain. I believe in “look good, feel good” and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it even though it’s somehow always attached negatively to a person. You need to bathe, shave, clothe yourself because all there is left outside of it is madness and suicide.

I still get asked a lot, on future plans and college and I still haven’t figured it out and the reason is still the same which makes me realize I have been having the same battle with my self for 10 years now and that scares me because as a Sagittarius I’m constantly drawn to moving forward and leaving things behind but maybe my issues of yesterday packed itself in a suitcase and travels with me everywhere that it just added emotional baggage. Currently, I’m moving at a never ending-crawl hoping I wouldn’t be frozen in time with no sense of direction. I keep saying that whatever is happening will not matter when I’m 38 with wrinkles and ungrateful children but who the fuck knows what will matter and won’t at 38, hell who knows I’ll even make to 38, my friend’s sister didn’t not even make it to her college graduation and when I know that life is short, why do I still keep making long term plans?

As an only child, I was used to attention, I need it at times to remind myself that I’m losing track of my path, I have always needed attention because there is no greater desire of the human heart than to be fundamentally understood. Coming back to the question on my future, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know if I’m fit for cooperate or exquisitive enough to work in a creative environment. All I know I never want to be that old person that gets annoyed with loud music, bad food and the news. I want to be that person that is kind to everyone, who doesn’t abandon books half way and still believes that life is a lucid dream at 38, even if I’m in the worst condition. I don’t want ever want to feel the weight of the day when my face touches the pillow at nightfall instead always search for the silver lining.

I swear, I’m not just saying this because I re-read Marakumi and feel pretentious. All of this is arising out of a burning desired to be understood, challenged and from a deprivation of an intellectual conversation, questions and a ton of questions that I either already the know the answers of or I do not wish to know the answers. It’s not a phase, trust me. It’a way of existence.

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4 thoughts on “On future plans, sadness and exsistence

  1. Wow. You just described the thoughts I’ve been having for the past two years. I’m clueless and lost as to what I want to do with my life. Either I’m interested in everything or nothing at all.. I’m the living embodiment of “Jack of all trades, master of none.” I have literally started fearing human interaction because “What do you want to be?” is the inevitable question in every conversation ever, and I dont have a convincing answer to that. Great post..!

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  2. Yes, there is a purpose and you’ll find it. It takes time and life experience to discover what you may want to do. I was also very timid, since I moved around a lot and didn’t have a lot of friends. Added to that, it sure is difficult to know what to do in life as a teenager. It wasn’t until college that I began to grow and open up more. I got some interest with the courses I took in college with psychology. I wanted to be a counselor at your age, but didn’t think I was mature enough when younger. I got into substitute teaching because I had a heart for kids. I became a teacher, yet I still have a desire to be a counselor and can do so with my students to encourage, motivate, and inspire them. I can write to others using the blog to be a support… So pick one of your interests to grow in, see if you like it, and later you may find you can add another interest to what you already do or change later in your journey once you have more experience in life to decide… It is alright to not go to college and just work for a time to get used to living life for awhile. You don’t need to decide your whole life’s course and know everything before beginning something for now. God also has a purpose for you to know HIM and find HIS love. Read over my blog and be challenged and inspired… Jeremiah 29:11-13 says For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Have you considered working with kids for you mention you want to be kind to everyone. Well, kids need someone like that around them…Just a thought for you to ponder. Write me anytime… You’re loved and valuable…
    https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com

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