My love affair with words

I never intended on giving up writing, in-fact I always aspired to be a writer and the fact that I was somehow capable of putting my thoughts together gave me an edge growing up , it definitely made me feel better about failing in Physics. I would make up scenarios and conversations in my head as a kid and eventually I would start writing it down and then I started reading heavily in high school which influenced how I viewed the world but also romanticized writing for me, I think the idea that I could be vulnerable on paper for the world to read ( mostly just my parents and 3 friends) was immensely gratifying to me and each time I wrote about something that was close to me, the process of penning it down deeply impacted me but immediately after I would be liberated from that emotion that piece carried. It’s as though I made peace with myself through words.

So, when my 2020 new year resolution of attempting to write again failed, I became someone who used to write to express herself. All these years, I have used writing as a means to be honest with myself about my feelings and that’s why I was always deeply effected by the process and eventually I came to the realisation that I write for myself. I write to feel better, I write to be heard, I write to be acknowledged, I write to heal.

While I tried to grapple the cusp of my adulthood, I found myself to be more afraid to open up and be vulnerable again, even if it just to myself which dissuaded me from writing because writing meant I had to sit down and acknowledge my thoughts, something I was not comfortable with anymore. To be fair, I was in a different eco-system and you adapt to it. So, I tried to write about things that aren’t personal to me like the environment or makeup but it always haunted me of my inability to write again. Most of it comes from my crippling insecurities that I inherited from my adulthood, so while I was trying to navigate how to draw a path for myself in this expansive and scary world, It left me more jaded towards my past.

I do not know, if I can be as vulnerable and as honest to myself as I was at 16 and thought I could chase the sun but as I piece back my self worth, I want to write again, I want to write again to be heard and acknowledged but mostly so that I don’t feel bad about failing in Engineering.